Everyone has flooded their FB status’ and IG accounts with well wishes for the New Year, recounting memories from 2015 and what their new plans are for 2016. I know a lot of people are not into making New Years resolutions or new personal goals for a new year approaching-I am not one of those people. I love the idea of starting fresh, growing each year, and setting new goals, anyone who has read my blog knows this about me. This year I am feeling a little lost, a little different and a little unsure.
I feel like I have lost my way a little over the last two months. I don’t feel settled, I don’t feel like I am working on anything, I feel unhealthy, I feel anxious. A lot of things I’m not used to feeling so it has been hard. This November, the first week, I sprained my ankle for the second time really badly. It was right after I was feeling this same way a few months ago. Not having a clear path, not running, not having successes with my workouts, not feeling mentally healthy. I knew the change was that I wasn’t running and I was missing that love of solitude, sweat, and accomplishment. So as I do, I made the change, put my running shoes on and went and I was repaid by tears, a swollen foot and defeat. My defeat felt like the defeat I feel like I have had for years about my weight and health. It has been 20 years of worrying about what to eat, what not to eat, working out, not working out, clothes not fitting, weight, diets, comparisons etc. The ankle sprain just reinforced it all and was just one more thing I now had to worry about knocking me down a peg from finally feeling self confident. And it won.
It has been weeks now of physio, ankle work at home, not running, not even going to the gym and eating worse then I ever have before, almost having no control yet being conscious of it the whole time. It’s as if I haven’t cared and don’t care. I’m in a bad rut and don’t know how to get out.
I’m really not the same person that I was when this year started. I am stronger, I am healthier, I am more focused. Or at least I thought I was….
Since having to take running out of my life I have become second guessing of myself, anxious, over eating, less confident and just all around pissed off and over fitness, diet, physical activity in general. But with that, I know that I need it get back to confident, eating healthy and self assured.
So cleaning up a bit around the house today I saw all my running medals, bibs, pictures around the house of me running, clothes that just fit better “then”, and all of the other things that remind of me the amazing accomplishments and things I did in 2015. It was happy yet bitter time cleaning 🙂
So today, I am eating healthy and clean for the first time in two months, getting my blogging and opening up going again and beginning my year the same way I have started since New Year’s Eve 2013, the Running Room Resolution Run. It is not going to be the same because it isn’t my first race like it was all the way back two years ago, neither is it something I am all that pumped about. I am going to have walk probably 90% of it because my ankle is nowhere near running ready. This pisses me off to no end but I have to do the best that I can right now and this is what it is, a walking 5km. And I’ll be with my Mom and my kids. That tradition has always been worth just attending this run.
So there it, I feel like I have started over again 60 million times and to be honest I am sick of it. I just always think, “when am I going to get it” but I also think that every time I start over at least I am not giving up so I’ll run with that.
Happy New Year everyone and hopefully you can make a personal goal to make 2016 a great personal year for yourself.
Lis
legsmovingmama 